I’ve played it over and over in my head. I was lying in bed, I had turned away, and put my back to my husband. I felt tears begin to stream down my face. And this wasn’t a cute, subtle cry. It was a sob that I was trying to hold in because I didn’t want him to hear. While I was trying to hide my feelings, I was also dying for his attention, in his opinion, at the worst time of the day. It was nearly midnight and we had spent an hour sitting on the couch binge watching a silly show. Why had I not paused the television and initiated conversation then? I wanted to scream. Why was I feeling so neglected? Why was I feeling so frustrated? Why was I acting as if what I had right next to me wasn’t enough?
In the midst of my meltdown, in the exact moment that I wanted to yell and grind my teeth, in my heart of ugliness, I said, “Lord, give me peace.” I took a deep breath and I rolled back over and put my arm around my husband and went to sleep.
Now, I’m going to get real with you.
Early on in our dating relationship we decided to set boundaries for ourselves and we are proud of our success in doing so. Although, I think the adjustment that takes place after the wedding day for couples, like us who have waited, oftentimes is neglected to be talked about.
I have to make it clear that the first time Sean and I had sex was on our wedding night. I was not a virgin when I met my husband. The guilt that I had struggled with in previous relationships was something I didn’t want for Sean and I’s relationship, so on our wedding night when we shared this intimate moment, I had overwhelming tears of joy for the blessing it was and the freeing feeling of being intimate with my husband completely free of guilt. It was beautiful. Although we bought a home in April, I didn’t move in until September third, the day we got home from our wedding weekend. When we walked through the door, Sean looked over at me and asked, “So do you think you’ll stay tonight?” We both just laughed and I replied, “I think I’ll stay forever.”
We spent over a year doing everything we could to keep ourselves busy. We spent time in groups, we surrounded ourselves with friends and family, we read together, we went out, we watched movies, you name it.
Then after a quick exchange of vows, we were married. The Lord looked upon us as one. He saw our intimacy as worship and we were blessed to be doing all the things we had been eagerly waiting to do. Suddenly, the hedges we had put in place were torn down.
Within the past four months we are finding ourselves in a season of adjustment. It’s a season of “figuring it out.” We are learning both about and from one another.
They say the first year is the hardest, and I think I’m seeing why. I feel that there is this pressure to have a marriage that will succeed because we’ve tried so hard to preparing ourselves. The reality is that a successful marriage doesn’t mean there aren’t disagreements or difficult conversations. Sometimes I’m just afraid to have them in fear that it means I’m failing as a good wife.
I’m finding myself learning how to efficiently run our home the best for the both of us. I’m learning when he likes to eat dinner in relation to when he gets home from work, how he likes his clothing hung in the closet, or that he would rather have his own deodorant instead of sharing even though we use the same kind.
Some silly things and some serious things; conflict isn’t easy, and marriage is definitely not easy. Some nights I roll over and turn my back on my husband. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean. In those hard moments I ask for peace, for His grace, for His guidance. In the moments that I feel like my needs are the most important, (and it happens, I’m only human!) I pray and ask Him to remind me that my marriage isn’t for me, it’s to love like Jesus, and it’s all for His glory.